Death by Egg Nog
by Magpie's Lament
Summary: Rating because I rate EVERYTHING PG13. XD Starfire and Raven get drunk on eggnog. Hilarity ensues. Or, at least it should. Maybe some comedy fluff in later chapters? Meh. Enjoy. Postponed. x3
1. OMGWTF FASGROLIA!

It all started with a value sized carton of egg nog, left over from Christmas Eve.

Any good science student knows that the really good egg nog has some percentage of booze in it.

The Titans did not know this.

Any typical genius from any other planet save earth also knows that Alchohol, a colorless, volitile liquid, has a bigger impact on Azerathians, Tameranians, and Vogons than any other intergalatic race.

The Titans did not know this, either.

And they didn't find out the easy way.

It all started after the post-christmas party. Raven (begrudgingly) and Starfire (happily) had each had a tall glass of Egg Nog.

Then the titans went to bed, and three of five of them had a fairly peaceful night.

The other two….. Well, to put it bluntly, didn't.

The Titans woke up the next morning and trooped downstairs in their boxers only to find a large fort, made of the combined contents of Starfire and Raven's room (They could tell: ¾ of it was pink, and the remaining quarter was black.)

There was a good-sized window just a few feet short of the hive's top. A pair of green-on-green eyes and a pair of purple ones looked out at them, wide and innocent.

Beast Boy stepped off the stair, onto the carpet, and was instantly assaulted by a barrage of flying marshmallows.

"Colonel! We have reported an enemy spy on our territory, sir! Over!" Raven shouted, before hissing loudly to emulate static.

"Affirmative, Captain. Fire at will! Over!"

Beast Boy stumbled backwards, trying to block the storm of puffy white squares speeding towards him with alarming speed. Raven's were accurate, but Starfire's, albeit not so accurate, hurt when they hit you.

A lot.

With a short shriek of defeat, he ran back to the stairs, diving over Cyborg's shoulder.

The storm of marshmallows stopped immeadiately. They glowed with a blackish light, and one by one, in a single file line, rolled back into the giant hive.

Robin and Cyborg blinked.

This was going to be an interesting day.

- - -- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - --

Heeheehee. I'm drunk on cough syrup, wheeeeeeeeeee!!!111!!111!!1!11111!!

Seriously. I have an oobercold. -sniffles- You'll be hearing a lot of this before I go away to Israel. Sicky sicky... -steals tissues-


	2. Starfire's freaky Monologue

Nimrochan- You used to live in Israel? Funky.

Marshmallows look like squares from the side. And besides, Teen Titans is 2-D.

Ooh, something else I can spoof. Muahahaha.

I don't own Teen Titans. I don't own oober-pea. I DO, however, own the spoon monologue.

And now for an emotional and insightful insight.

**Cherry cough medicine SOOOOOOO tastes better than grape. **

That is all.

-- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Beast Boy, Robin, and Cyborg had managed to take Robin's bookcase and make their own fort at the base of the stairs. Granted, it wasn't nearly as spectacular as the girls', but almost as functional.

Giggling and nigh-inaudible conversation could be heard coming from within the pink and black hive of death, destruction, and marshmallows.

"Oober pea, oober pea, he wants to eat you and me. Oober pea comes from outer space, he wants to devour the human race. Ooooober peeeeeeeeaaaa."

Starfire was giggling like mad. Beast Boy noted that Raven had a pleasant singing voice, when not interrupted by fits of laughter.

He had been staring at the hive's window for at least Ten Minutes before Starfire's eyes, and only her eyes, met his.

Her right eye twitched constantly, and atmospheric lighting popped out of nowhere.

"Whatehfawk?" Robin Said, but then Starfire began to speak.

"The spoooooons. They sit there, seemingly harmless, in our cutlery drawers and bowls of cereal. They feed in silence off your life force, sucking the very marrow out of your booooones. YOUR BONES! They will eat your eyes and eat your nose as soon as they get the chance. To prevent death, you must eat SPECIAL K. NOBODY LIKES SPECIAL K, NOT EVEN THE SPOONS. SO YOU MUST EAT IT. TO STAY. ALIIIIIIVE."

"Uhm, Starfire? I ate a pudding with a spoon yesterday, and-"

"SILENCE! The corporal prophesizes."

Raven boomed, her eyes peering out of the corner of the window momentarily.

"AND THE SPOONS SHALL FALL TO OUR MIGHTY SPORKS, AND LO, WE SHALT RULE THE WORLD!"

"Hail! Hail! Hail!"

There was much cheering going on inside the tent, followed by giggling and nonsensical babbling.

"Male Titans. Go." Robin whispered, and they stole off across the living room.

Marshmallows and plastic sporks instantly began to fly. Robin expertly dodged them, while Beast Boy changed into a mouse and scurried across the floor.

"Beast Boy! Provide a distraction!"

Beast Boy made it to the base of the girls' fort, just below the window, and transformed back into himself. He could see Raven's eyes, and Starfire's behind hers.

"The jig is up, Raven! Surrender!"

Raven's eyes blinked. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly on the lips, causing a record somewhere in the tower to skip, Cyborg to stop sucking on a sausage, and Robin to drop the carton of orange juice he was holding.

With a chirping sound reminiscent of Hello Kitty (Chuu!) she popped back into the hive, where more sounds of uproarious giggling could be heard.

Beast Boy simply stood there, looking confused as usual.

"Uhm….."

"QUICK! WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED!"

Robin shouted, gathering up various food items in his arms and sprinting back across the living room to dive behind his bookcase-fort thing.

Cyborg did the same, dragging Beast Boy along with him.

"Dude. That was just. Ingenious."

"Well, duh, Beast Boy. They're GIRLS. They hold the ultimate power over us."

"Whaa?"

"They can reproduce."

"Oh."

"Yeah. No girls, no humanity."

"That's… A bit of a problem."

"Yup."

"But now, Ya'all, we have provisions. And they don't. Which means that when they come out to get some grub, we nab them."

"Agreed."

"NAB? Dude, who uses that word anymore?!"

- - - - - - - - -- - - -- - -- - -

The ooberpea song was made and produced by Go there now.


	3. Oddly Specific

Wow. I didn't expect this many reviews. O.O

**Sillymail**- Gee, thanks. My friend Tawreh Is a RxR fan, too. I'm not much for it myself, but if you're in an angsty mood you can read Rails. It's one sided, though. May I also direct you to Sinfire99's fics? They're /oober/ good, and primarily Raven x Robin to boot.

**Ebony Sorceress****- **I'd be honored if you put the monologue on your page. ; I didn't think it was THAT good, but feel free, as long as credit is given.

**Lexi the Writer-** I think I read one of your fictions once. It was good, I just don't remember the name. x.x

Thanks to all the rest of my Reviewers. And remember, loves- Never mix Dayquil and Nyquil. It CAN make you high. XD

Vogons are from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Best book Eveerrrrrr.

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Robin thumbed halfheartedly through the Idiot's Guide to Female Aliens, stopping at a certain point to beckon Cyborg over.

_"Under the influence of any kind of alchohol, alien women, mostly the ones afforementioned, exhibit strange, usually uncharacteristic behavior as well as hallucinations, visual and auditory."_

"Well, duh, It doesn't take a genius to figure that out."

"Shut up, Beast Boy. Look what it says under it."

_"To cure this state of mind, Either you must make the alien in question vomit-"_

All three boys shook their heads.

"_-wait until the effects wear off,-"_

The boys shook their heads again. "There could be an emergency."

_"-or become drunk yourselves to bring them out of their madness. The Female Mind has an instinctive sort of reset mechanism. If someone the female alien knows well is drunken, hurt, et cetera, the mind will 'reset' to care for said victim. Permahol is included in the back of this book should you wish to try this method."_

Robin flipped to the back. Sure enough, there was a packet of light green power to be dissolved in a drink.

"Titans…."

Robin said, looking to both Cyborg and Beast Boy.

"Cheers."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I know, that was oobershort. Tune in next time. Same bat time, same bat channel! Dun dun duuun!


	4. The System is Down

Dayquil is non drowsy.

Nyquil is not.

Both are utterly nasty and are to be avoided if at all possible.

Weeeheeheeeeee!

I don't own Downy fabric softener. Or Homestar Runner. But that little bear IS cute….

I also do not own Star Trek.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Ducking behind the counter, the three male titans sat, hunched over three large glasses of greenish liquid that smelled like limes and downy fabric softener. Which was not altogether an unpleasant smell, but it was hardly desirable in something you wanted to drink.

"Titans… Bottoms up?"

All three picked up the glass.

"No, dude! Not all at once! Someone has to do the music!"

"Oh. Right."

"Yeah."

"You first."

"Fine."

Cyborg raised the drink to his lips. Before sipping, he scrolled through his start menu in his head.

_Settings. Active Desktop. Change Wallpaper. _

The machine scrolled through his options.

_Bubbles. Rivulets. Thatch. Dwarf Man. Drunk._

There it is. He selected "Drunk", then pitched the liquid into his mouth. Robin and Beast Boy immeadiately started pounding their legs with their palms and cheering.

**"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"**

Cyborg emptied the glass into his stomach, then placed the empty cup customarily upside down on his head.

_Apply Settings._

He shuddered, then began to totter across the floor like a windup toy spouting lyrics.

"Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! The system! Is down! The system! Is down! Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! Doo doot, doo doot doot! **EENGT! EENGT! EENGT! ENNGT!"**

Robin and Beast Boy proceeded to chug theirs, placing the glasses on their heads as well.

Robin fell onto his stomach and proceeded to slither around the room, making loud sucking sounds as he inhaled marshmallows off the floor.

Beast Boy, his eyelid flicking, said one thing and passed out.

"There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's klingons on the starboard bow, get them off, Jim!"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Next Episode: Will the girls come into their senses? Will Slade be involved at all? WILL I BE SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT?! Tune in next update!

The Chug Song is, for once, copyright me and my brother. So ha.


	5. I FELL ASLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Starfire instantly snapped to attention, scooping Robin up in her arms. He twitched and drooled on her shirt.

Raven's eyelid flickered. Her emotions were half awake, but, welll………

-OOBERFUNKAY FLASHBACK! THIRTY SECONDS AGO-

Raven's emotions had been going haywire. After Rage openly proclaimed her homosexuality, and Bravery had proclaimed she was a purple fish and that Timid was "hawt, dooood!" Knowledge woke up from a six minute coma and screamed. "MONKEY WREEEEEEEENCH!" She began to gnaw furiously on a tree, which calmly reset Raven's mind.

Meanwhile, she had sank to her knees, very near Beast Boy. She prodded him cautiously. He snapped to half-consciousness and clung with both arms to her leg. She eeped, stood up, and blasted him full in the face with a psywave. Beast Boy's eyes filled with tears.

The lighting in Titan's Tower suddenly and drastically changed.

Starfire, Raven, Cyborg, and Robin were drenched in darkness. Beast Boy was highlighted, clinging to the bottom of a mysterious lightpost and dressed in rags. He began to sing, in a hideous falsetto key and a german accent.

"Meeeeednacht! Not unt souuuuu-houuund from zer pavemennnnnnt! Hask zer moon lost zer memoryyyy? She isk cryink aloooooooone."

Raven, her eyes wide, hit him as hard as she could on the head with the state of oklahoma.

"Gafuuuuuuuuuuuh."

Beast Boy moaned as he spun around counterclockwisely.

He leaped onto the table.

"LIBRO DE ESTUDIANTE. PAHEENA. OHCHO. ACTIVEEDAHD. SPARE RIBS!"

He shrieked, jumping onto Raven's head to muss her hair and yank down her hood. She screeched.

"BEAST BOOOOOOOOOY!"

That is all. :D


	6. Pick the goddamn pill, Neo!

IN THIS CHAPTER:

Raven Abuse! Yaaay!

But… It's the last one.

FOOLNUGGETS!

Taiba loves j00!

I don't own any of this.

But I do own... Uhm... THE COLOR YELLMONIA.

-.-.-

Beast Boy sat on Raven's head, carefully examining each lock of hair while she clawed futilely at his arms. There was a ginormus cloud of theatrical smoke and an overmakeuped, smelly old trollop materialized out of the haze.

IT WAS OPRAH WINDBAG.

No, wait, sorry. My bad.

IT WAS THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.

She screeched, pulling BB off of Raven's head and snuggling him.

"How DARE you provide unscrupulous locks for my grandson to examine!"

She screeched, her rubber teeth falling out and bouncing on the floor. Cyborg tied them to his shoelaces.

Raven was seething.

"Unscrupulous! My hair's BABY FINE, YOU JOLLY GREEN SHE-BASTARD!"

The catfight of the century erupted.

Starfire blinked at Robin and Cyborg. "I am unmoved by this show of violence. Would you care to go play DDR?"

The two titans nodded dumbly.

The screen instantly splits in half. Swooshy action backgrounds surrounded Starfire and Cyborg's head. Giant yellow letters appeared in midair.

TEEN TITANS DDR MATCH: FIRST UP:

STARFIRE VERSUS CYBORG

SONG: SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THI

The "S" was in Raven's hand, currently being used against Oprah **I MEAN**, The wicked witch of the west.

The song began with the familiar sound of one being slapped in the face, and the DDR faceoff began.

- . .-. - . -. - .-

I lied. There's more to come. XD


End file.
